A Return to the Center

In the hot, waning days of summer 2016, I visited the Abbey of Gethsemani  in Trappist, Kentucky to walk the grounds with a friend. The world felt at peace, and my friend and I–both writers, both recently divorced, both mothers, both spiritual seekers–had some important catching up to do: after both of our decades-long marriages ended abruptly and painfully, we’d each found and been startled by new love.

It was a sweltering August day, not unlike my first visit to the abbey almost a decade prior. I wore a cotton tee shirt dress and she wore an old shirt and hiking pants. I had a stainless steel canteen of water and she carried a Diet Coke. We walked together and talked about our lives and our novels (hers, published, mine, not) and our failures and our joys.

We soon found ourselves at a place that historically has been forbidden to women at Gethsemani: Thomas Merton’s hermitage, a concrete block cottage with a wide expanse of porch. The front door was locked, and so we sat in the rocking chairs on the porch and kicked off our shoes. We forgot about rules for a few moments. Instead of worry, we talked about life and how messy it is. We talked about love and how glorious it can be, if we are brave enough to choose it. We talked about our own pain and about hurting others, about saving ourselves from drowning in our own sadness, and about starting over.

As we talked, a moth flew toward me and land on my calf. Then my shoulder. At one point, it landed on my hair. “Merton’s touch,” she said. I sat very still, imagining this brown moth’s beginnings as caterpillar, and thinking about the journey this small creature had taken to arrive at this moment, and the courage it took to fly freely, to land on the body of another creature, to flutter away, only to return.

We were surrounded by woods that hummed with cicadas and we could hear the rustle of the hot wind through the trees. We agreed that writing was hard work, that pain made us stronger, and that love was almost always worth whatever fire you had to walk through to find it. We gave each other the grace and permission to speak of things that are often left unsaid.

As we were leaving the Hermitage, I stood and stretched, and then leaned against the supporting beam for the porch. We kept talking and the moth returned and landed on my fingertip.

My friend grabbed my camera and said, “This is too much.” She stepped back to take in the Hermitage. “Hold still.” Then she snapped this pic of me and Merton’s moth, a creature determined to sit gently on the tip of my finger.

Barefoot Trespasser

Hold still.

Sometimes, if we just get quiet enough, and still enough, moments like this can happen. my Merton moth became a quiet champion for what it looks like to survive a brutal transformation. This photo symbolizes what rebirth looks like to me: a winged, delicate creature trusting the kindness of my hand. It’s also a photo of me–content, at peace, with the ability to marvel at the world and the love that I’ve found here. My friend has found it, too. Sometimes, a moth lands on your fingertip. A novel comes to fruition. New love arrives with surprise. These gifts seem to say: enjoy me. Embrace joy. I trust myself in your hands, and I trust you as my landing place. Let’s hold still together for a few moments.

I’m not sure I know anyone from any faith tradition who could say otherwise: to be human is to question existence, and to have faith is to believe blindly that the narratives we’ve known since childhood are true. That those stories are real. Then we relearn those narratives, and we add to them, and we question the givens in our lives. Along the way, we suspend our reason in order to embrace, revere, and worship an unknowable creator. We trust and we place hope that goodness will prevail. On this day last August, I stood on Thomas Merton’s porch and felt the rush of who I’d always been and who I was about to be melding together and finding solace in the same space. It was both a pinprick of realization and the infinite universe, in one. We all can be the moth, if we are strong enough to survive our own metamorphosis.  What’s waiting on the other side is glorious, you know. You just have to believe.


I Write.

While applying for a marriage certificate in Lexington, Susan and I were asked to identify our race. We agreed we’re tired of that question on every government form everywhere, so we entered the word “Human.” The clerk was not having it and insisted that we properly categorize ourselves by skin color. We complied, yet it felt right to push back, just a bit, and peacefully, against an anachronistic regulation. If and when the government asks me to declare my religion, I’ll enter the word “Liberty.”Screenshot 2017-03-11 08.48.54.png

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A Letter to My Teenage Daughters

February 8, 2017

My dear girls,

January 21, 2017, Women’s March, Lexington, Kentucky. I’m so proud these two young women are my daughters.

Last night in Congress, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell warned Senator Elizabeth Warren to stop speaking as she was reading a letter written by Coretta Scott King. The letter, written in 1986, denounced Jeff Sessions, the senator currently nominated to be the Attorney General of the United States, as unfit for a federal judgeship. When Warren continued, McConnell pulled a move called “extraordinary” by the New York Times: he evoked a little-known rule to silence her. He said:

“She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.”

Shut up and sit down. How many times have I heard that in my life? Unfortunately, more times than I can count.

In my anger and frustration, I spent a good amount of time this morning feeling helpless. I wanted to share with you two some advice about how to react when people tell you to shut up and sit down. And so I’m writing this letter not only to encourage you to speak out and to stand up, but to give you guidelines for how and why to use your voices. I have high expectations for you, and I am holding myself to those expectations as well. Perhaps if we all structure our resistance with some good, old-fashioned “mom rules” we can accomplish more together.

My advice? Be kind, speak out, tell the truth, and to fight to win.

Choose kindness.

I still believe in kindness, even in this very unkind season. Be kind when you stand up. Be kind when you protest. Be kind when you disagree. Kindness doesn’t mean to be passive, or to be weak, or to be compliant. It doesn’t mean to speak softly. It is to pull from your deep empathy to attempt to understand others. It means that instead of name calling, you use language that constructs rather than demolishes. Your empathy is a light that shines in all that you do. It forms connections and builds bridges between different ideas. It it what makes you human. Active kindness is a choice. When you don’t know how else to react to something rude or unexpected or provoking, choose to be kind.

Speak out. Your voice is powerful.

Speak up for those without a voice. Stand up for those whose rights have been stripped. March for those who cannot march. Do not listen to those who may tell you that your voice doesn’t matter, that you don’t count. You are valuable beyond measure, and you were created with purpose. I’m not merely encouraging you to speak out: I am expecting it. Speak, even when you and I might disagree. Speak when you’re told to shut up. You cannot be silent when others are persecuted. This goes for both bullies in your school and bullies in the White House. Your voice is your birthright and your responsibility. And you have far more power than you may know.

Believe that truth matters.

We are living in a world swirling with propaganda. When the man in the highest office in the land not only lies every single day, he lies about his lies, supports the lies of his employees and followers, and spreads fake news with wild abandon in order to create fear and chaos, you must hold firm to what is true. You are smart young women with gifts for discernment. I’ve watched you both as you’ve stood up for truth. You’ve each demonstrated strength when you’ve followed your hearts, when you listen to your intuition. Back up your feelings with facts. Research. Find confidence and solace in what is true. When you’re unsure, go to the root of the problem and seek the truth. Then speak it.

When it’s time to fight, remember that winning matters.

When the times come in your lives when you are seeking a promotion, or running for public office, or building a case for what you believe, don’t listen if someone tells you “it’s not worth the fight.” Don’t back down when faced with challenges. Hold firm to your principles and to truth, but fight to win. Winning is important. Winning gives you a platform and a responsibility. Winning gives you power. (And there’s nothing–by the way–wrong with women who have power.) And with power, a platform, and responsibility, you become leaders who stand for good. That’s when the real work begins. Those who lose go home. Those who win get to work.

And when, in your fight for what you believe in, you are told to shut up and to sit down? Remember these words from me: Speak out. Stand up. Remember the women who’ve gone before you who’ve paved the way. “Nevertheless, she persisted.” I hope, at the end of my life, that you will count me as one of those women. And I hope that you will count yourselves.

I love you both more than you will ever know,


Queen of Pies & Puppies

Key Lime/Coconut Cream Pie with Bourbon Whipped Cream

Yesterday, Steve’s sister, Mary, called me Queen of Pies & Puppies. And I do make a killer Key Lime/Coconut Cream pie, which I made for Steve’s mom’s birthday. I made up this recipe when Steve couldn’t decide which was his favorite: Key Lime or Coconut Cream. Recipe below.

My puppies are in fact old, grumpy dogs, prone to barking at thunder and door knocks, but they go with me everywhere, including here, in Florida.

So it is: Queen of Pies & Puppies–I like it.

Lime Coco Pie

This is my first post on this blog, and it’s pretty benign. More to say, later. Just warming up with a recipe.

Susan’s Key Lime and Coconut Cream Pie with Bourbon Whipped Cream

(You Put The Lime in the Coconut…) 

1 extra deep dish pie crust (I’ve used several, but have found that Keebler’s extra deep dish graham cracker crust works the best. Not shown in photo.)

Key Lime Pie Ingredients:

One can Eagle Brand sweetened condensed milk

Juice of three limes and zest from one lime. Set one tablespoon of zest aside for topping pie later.

Two egg yolks

Blend all, including zest, and bake for 11 minutes at 320 degrees in deep dish pie crust. Crust should appear half full. Set aside.


Coconut Cream Filling Ingredients:

One cup sweetened coconut flakes

Three cups half and half

Two eggs, beaten

Three-fourths of a cup white sugar

Half cup all-purpose flour

Quarter teaspoon salt

One teaspoon vanilla

Spread coconut flakes on a foiled baking sheet, bake for five minutes at 350 degrees, or until at desired brownness. Set one-fourth of a cup of the flakes aside for topping pie later. Mix half and half, eggs, sugar, flour and salt in a medium sauce pan over medium heat, stirring CONSTANTLY. Bring to a boil, immediately lower temp to low, continue stirring for two more minutes. If you don’t stir it with a wisk the entire time it’s over heat, the bottom will burn. Trust me, I learned the hard way. Remove from heat, add vanilla and three-quarter cup of toasted coconut flakes and stir. Pour coconut cream filling over the lime pie base. Chill at least four hours, preferably overnight.


Bourbon Whipped Cream Topping

One-half pint heavy whipping cream

One-quarter cup white sugar

One tablespoon bourbon (or to taste. One tablespoon is very mild.)

Whip all ingredients with hand blender until smooth peaks. If it gets chunky, you’ve beaten it too much, so if it starts getting too stiff, stop! Spread over chilled pie. Top with lime zest and baked coconut flakes. Cut pie into 16 pieces. Remember: this is a DOUBLE PIE. A “normal-sized” pie slice is WAY too much.